Dad greatly enjoyed clever (and awful) word plays. Here are some he saved, that I came across while sorting through his files. – ed.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A good pun is its own reword.

A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate Clauses.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money cannot buy happiness. But it has made misery easier to bear for millions.

It has recently been clearly demonstrated that research causes cancer in rats.

Talk is cheap: until you hire a lawyer.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that one’s sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If “clothes make the man,” it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can’t find them.

The Law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.